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I'm George Santos, and I'm Seeking Reelection
From the office of Congressman George Santos, MD, PhD, Esq, Bishop of Rome
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
April 17, 2023
(Washington, D.C.) — Greetings, fellow New Yorkers.
Today, I announce my 2024 reelection campaign for New York’s 3rd Congressional District, the old stomping grounds of Joe DiMaggio, Notorious B.I.G., and Gandhi, whose famous “I Have A Dream” speech I actually co-wrote after being imprisoned in a South African jail for 27 years for opposing apartheid.
But what have I done for New York’s 3rd, you ask? More like what haven’t I done.
My first bill, the TALENTED MR RIPLEY act, made it a capital offense to question the impeccable credentials of first term congressmen.
My second bill, the PLASTICITY OF THE SELF act, wondered whether the very idea of biographical accuracy is really all that important in an age of such psychological impermanence.
Finally, there isn’t room here to describe it in full, but my third bill was the EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION.
As you can see, unlike some of my colleagues, I haven’t been sitting on my ass doing nothing. In fact, I was proving to be so effective at legislating that it earned me a summons to the White House, where Joe Biden berated me behind closed doors for being a tireless advocate for conservative principles.
After he was finished, I looked him dead in the eye and said, “Mr. President, a week ago, a group of Albanian human traffickers kidnapped Hunter to sell him into sexual bondage. I went to Europe to bring him back. Mission accomplished, sir.”
Joe Biden got up from his seat, saluted me for an entire minute, and then directed the Marshal of the Supreme Court to award me the purple heart. Why aren’t I wearing it in this announcement video? I, um, took it to the cleaners earlier toda…no, hang on, uhhh, whatever man, the purple heart goes to another school. Just stop asking me about the FUCKING PURPLE HEART, MY GOD. IT’S JUST A HEART THAT’S PURPLE, HOLY SHIT JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY.
Other notable achievements:
First person to successfully teach cuneiform to dolphins.
Founder of Quibi.
George Floyd’s most consistent pen pal.
Co-author of the Left Behind book series. Co-author of the Book of Revelation.
Fidget spinner architect.
Lionel Messi (alias).
I think it’s pretty clear that the hardworking people of NY-3 are in good hands. As a former bartender who is sometimes pejoratively called Sandy (short for Santos), I know a thing or two about working hard. New Yorkers know I’ve got their backs. I’m ready for reelection.
I’m George Santos, and I approve this message.
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